Its been a week since we were confronted with the bad news and just a couple of days since the surgery. Am actually feeling quite healthy physically (except for a little fatique now and then), and I thought that emotionally, I've also overcomed it all.

But I guess its harder than just 'not thinking about it', which is what I've been doing most of the time subconsciously - occupying myself with Isaac, catching up on reading (a colleague, SF, came by and dropped me a copy of "A Heart Ablaze" by John Bevere), catching up with work from home via email. As I worshipped in church today, I can't help but pondered about the events of the past week, and suddenly a tidal wave of emotions just swept over me.

I've always prided myself for having a very logical mind when it comes to dealing with adversities...Its really a Mind over Heart "survival tactic" that I've adopted over the years. And these are my personal rules:

• Rule #1: If I can't do anything about it, no sense to fret about it.
• Rule #2: Always read up on the subject matter. Knowledge gives understanding and overcomes fear and anxiety.

It is with this mindset that i had initially set out to face the whole miscarriage issue (BTW, I've tried to avoid using the word "miscarriage" for a long time. Why is a "miscarriage" called "mis-carriage"...is it like "mis-take"? Is it my "mistake" for mis-carrying the baby? Did i do something that cause the heart-beat to stop??)

So, I read as much as i could find on the internet regarding the "M" issue and as usual found the whole array of scientific explanation to say that its usually not the fault of the parents, and chances are that it wasn't properly formed in the first place....that it happens one in five cases of pregnancy....All these were reaffirmed by Dr Ben....

But whilst I could still calmly go through surgery, etc, i realised that deep in my heart there is still the pain that pricks...there's still the many questions in my mind that Man cannot answer and only God can. Everytime over the past few days, when someone who knew asked me "Are you ok? How're you coping?" or when they just come over to give me a comforting hug, tears still rolled in my eyes. And as I stifled those tears and replied that "I'm ok, we're moving on", it still hurts inside.

Sigh...I guess its still going to take some time for us to go past the grieving phase...